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What to say and not say to friends and family coping with serious illness
My friend sat down and ordered a stiff drink. “I need your help,” she said. “My sister has a brain tumor. I don’t know what to do.”
Three years ago this month, I learned I had bone cancer. That diagnosis led me down a dark year that included chemotherapy and surgery to reconstruct my left leg.
At the time, my wife, Linda, and I were the parents of 3-year-old twin girls, and we were often overwhelmed with the everyday challenges of having a sick dad, a working mom and two preschoolers. We survived with help from many people. But as my friend’s query suggested, some gestures were more helpful than others, and a few were downright annoying. So at the risk of offending some well-meaning people, here are Six Things You Should Never Say to a Friend (or Relative or Colleague) Who’s Sick. And Four Things You Can Always Say.
First, the Nevers.
1. What can I do to help? Most patients I know grow to hate this ubiquitous, if heartfelt, question because it puts the burden back on them. As Doug Ulman, the chief executive of Livestrong and a three-time cancer survivor, explained: “The patient is never going to tell you. They don’t want to feel vulnerable.” Instead, just do something for the patient. And the more mundane the better, because those are the tasks that add up. Want to be really helpful? Clean out my fridge, replace my light bulbs, unpot my dead plants, change my oil.
2. My thoughts and prayers are with you. In my experience, some people think about you, which is nice. Others pray for you, which is equally comforting. But the majority of people who say they’re sending “thoughts and prayers” are just falling back on a mindless cliché. It’s time to retire this hackneyed expression.