-Очень жаль, молодой человек, но она сказала, что её нет дома.
-Отлично. Скажите ей, что я не приходил.
The mother of a young lady, to a young man at the door:
"Very sorry, young man, but she said that she is not at home."
"Excellent. Tell her I didn't come by."
Случай в раю.
-Господи, тут к вам атеисты!
-Передайте им, что меня нет.
An occurrence in Paradise.
"Lord, some atheists are here to see You!"
"Tell them I'm not here."
Чудеса гражданской авиации: Завтрак--в Варшаве, обед--в Лондоне, ужин--в Нью-Йорке, багаж--в Буэнос-Айресе.
The wonders of modern air travel: Breakfast in Warsaw, lunch in London, supper in New York, luggage in Buenos-Ayres.
-Жора,шо Вы опять такой нервный? Вы пробовали складывать пазлы на 3000 элементов? Пробовали,но не складывается? Ну.вот! А ви, таки, хотите, шобы жизнь легко складывалась!
"George, why are you so on edge, again? Have you ever tried to put together 3,000 piece puzzles? Ah, you tried, have you, but couldn't put them together? So there you are! And you want for life to put itself together easily?!"
— Вовочка, сколько будет дважды два?
— Правильно, а почему, объяснить сможешь?
— Да как-то так исторически сложилось…
"Vova dear, how much is two times two?"
"That's correct, now can you explain why?"
"For historical reasons, I suppose?..."
«Жизнь прекрасна!» - Говорит каждое утро Фима Циценбогель. «Не моя, конечно, но всё же...»
"Life is beautiful!" Fima Tsigenbogel tells himself every morning. "Not _my_ life, of course, but nonetheless..."
— Ну как? Были у тебя в Лондоне проблемы с твоим английским?
— У меня нет. У англичан были.
"Well? Did you have any problems with your English, during your visit to London?"
"I didn't have any problems with it. The Londoners did."
— Так, сынок, быстренько собрал все свои разбросанные игрушки.
— Пап, да ну… Мне лень. Лучше я в углу постою…
"Now, son, quickly pick up all your toys that you've left all over the floor."
"Aww, Dad...I don't feel like it. I'd rather stand in the corner for a bit..."
— У тебя Билайн?
— Если бы у меня был Билайн, я бы на Феррари ездил и на Канарах жил. Это не у меня Билайн, это я у Билайна.
"Do you have Verizon?"
"If I had Verizon, I'd be driving a Ferrari and living in the Caribbean. I don't have Verizon--Verizon has me!"
- Ты всегда соглашаешься со своей женой?
- Далеко не всегда.
- А как она к этому относится?
- Она об этом не догадывается!
"Do you always agree with your wife?"
"Not often at all."
"And what does she think about that?"
"She doesn't know anything about it."
(thanks for these to leto_12; translation's mine)
Someone's torn the curtain
And I think it must be me.
I climbed up to the window
And the curtain caught my knee.
And then it wrapped my foot up
And I heard a hole, you see.
Someone's sure to notice
'Cos it's bigly as can be.
They're coming, I can hear them
Up the stairs to have their tea.
I wish I was the bigly hole
And bigly hole was me.
(illustration by Margaret Tarrant, verses by Marion St. John Adcock; reposted from The Golden Age of Illustration group on FB)
19 husbands who need it all spelled out
15 parents who have a perfect sense of humor (don't know about perfect, but some of them are quite funny)
Art and society:
Prepare to be amazed by these incredibly realistic sculptures
Norman Rockwell’s Depictions of Women for the Saturday Evening Post
No place for self-pity, no room for fear, by Toni Morrison, written in 2004, but just as relevant today, or at any other time:
"...None of this bodes well for the future. Still, I remember the shout of my friend that day after Christmas: No! This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal.
I know the world is bruised and bleeding, and though it is important not to ignore its pain, it is also critical to refuse to succumb to its malevolence. Like failure, chaos contains information that can lead to knowledge—even wisdom. Like art."
An artist's depiction of what it's like to live with mental illness--the most striking one I've seen
Statistics: prevalence of mental illness among U.S. adults (17.9%, in other words, just slightly less than 1 in 5)
(from the Edwardian Society FB group)
A three-year-old's report on Thanksgiving: "I didn't like the turkey, but I liked the bread he ate."
Thanksgiving menu: roast turkey, candied yams, and pickled relatives.
(Arnold H. Glasgow)
Some neighbors of my grandparents' gave them a pumpkin pie as a holiday gift. As lovely as the gesture was, it was clear from the first bite that the pie tasted bad. It was so inedible that my grandmother had to throw it away.
Ever gracious and tactful, she still felt obliged to send the neighbors a note. It read: "Thank you very much for the pumpkin pie. Something like that doesn't last very long in our hourse."
The checkout clerk at the supermarket was unusually cheerful even though it was near closing time. "You must have picked up a ton of groceries today," a customer said to the checker.
"How can you stay so pleasant?"
"We can all count our blessings," the clerk replied. "The hardest part of this job is the turkeys and the watermelons. I just thank God that Thanksgiving doesn't come in July."
(all of the above from Reader's Digest: Laughter: The Best Medicine: Holidays)
(from ScienceAlert, who got it from FeelingGood Tees)
"So avoid using the word 'very' because it's lazy. A man is not very tired, he is exhausted.
Don't use 'very sad', use 'morose'. Language was invented for one reason, boys--to woo women--
and, in that endeavor, laziness will not do."
(Robin Williams in his role as the English teacher Mr. Keating, "Dead Poets Society")
Juliana Horatia Ewing
Oh boy, down there, I can't believe that what they say is true!
We squirrels surely cannot have an enemy in you;
We have so much in common, my dear friend, it seems to me
That I can really feel for you, and you can feel for me.
Some human beings might not understand the life we lead;
If we asked Dr. Birch to play, no doubt he'd rather read;
He hates all scrambling restlessness, and chattering, scuffling noise;
If he could catch us we should fare no better than you boys.
( Fine ladies, too, whose flounces catch and tear on every stump, /What joy have they in jagged pines, who neither skip nor jump? )