My Virtual Reading Room

I like this version best:
"...for purists who insist piano music stops with Brahms,
I've got a little list: I'll make them sit through Liszt!..."
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****** And here's another one: **** The original song and lyrics: **** (Ko-Ko:) As some day it may happen that a victim must be found, I've got a little list — I've got a little list Of society offenders who might well be underground, And who never would be missed — who never would be missed! There's the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs — All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs — All children who are up in dates, and floor you with 'em flat — All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like that — And all third persons who on spoiling tête-á-têtes insist — They'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed! (Chorus:) He's got 'em on the list — he's got 'em on the list; And they'll none of 'em be missed — they'll none of 'em be missed. (Ko-Ko:) There's the banjo serenader, and the others of his race, And the piano-organist — I've got him on the list! And the people who eat peppermint and puff it in your face, They never would be missed — they never would be missed! Then the idiot who praises, with enthusiastic tone, All centuries but this, and every country but his own; And the lady from the provinces, who dresses like a guy, And who "doesn't think she dances, but would rather like to try"; And that singular anomaly, the lady novelist — I don't think she'd be missed — I'm sure she'd not he missed! (Chorus:) He's got her on the list — he's got her on the list; And I don't think she'll be missed — I'm sure she'll not be missed! (Ko-Ko:) And that Nisi Prius nuisance, who just now is rather rife, The Judicial humorist — I've got him on the list! All funny fellows, comic men, and clowns of private life — They'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed. And apologetic statesmen of a compromising kind, Such as — What d'ye call him — Thing'em-bob, and likewise — Never-mind, And 'St— 'st— 'st— and What's-his-name, and also You-know-who — The task of filling up the blanks I'd rather leave to you. But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list, For they'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed! (Chorus:) You may put 'em on the list — you may put 'em on the list; And they'll none of 'em be missed — they'll none of 'em be missed!