My Virtual Reading Room

Know When To Fold ‘Em, Know When to Walk Away, Know When to Run…

by Wendy Keller

My daughter is nearly 20, finishing her sophomore year in college and preparing for a big adventure working in Europe for the summer.   She’s usually reasonably sweet and sometimes, I enjoy living with her.  She moved back into my home for the third time about 5 weeks ago and leaves on June 2.  This trip has come about quite suddenly.  I know she’s feeling extraordinary stress about the whole thing.  So she’s taking it out on me, her dear ol’ mom.

It hurts.

She is mean in the same ways her father was mean when I was married to him – with a sort of insulting, unkind “You’re an idiot” attitude when I try to help her figure out how to renew her passport.  That can easily trigger memories I’d rather forget, and that have nothing to do with her or the current reality of the situation.

It hurts.

I am forced to rely on my own processing steps when someone is unkind to me. You may find they work for you, too.

Four Steps to Handling Conflict with People You Love

1. Try to put myself in the other person’s shoes.  I get it that it’s as stressful for her as it is exciting. That doesn’t excuse her behavior, but it helps me get out of my hurt and into her head.

2. Calmly explain that the behavior hurts my feelings, using the classic “Feel, Felt, Found” technique.  It goes like this: “I feel hurt when you accuse me of not helping you when I’ve told you four times exactly what needs to be done.  I felt attacked when you said I know nothing, even though you know I read the passport website before I showed it to you.  I’ve found that when I am trying to enlist someone to help me solve a problem in my own life, it’s usually best to speak to them calmly and respectfully.”

3. Ask her politely if she does or does not want my help – and listen to the answer without resistance or attachment.  In my daughter’s case, she said “Yes!” angrily, but then walked away in a huff when I tried to show her on the website what needs to be done.

4. If the person you’re engaging with refuses to calm down, be polite, civil or courteous, there’s a next step. It’s the one most people fail to take. It’s the one that allows niceness to fall into martyrdom.  But using this next step will diffuse the situation.  I call it “Retreat and Resign“.  I don’t have to put up with a snotty 20 year old.  So I simply walked out of her room and went to do my own tasks.  I don’t need to be right. I don’t need to fight with her, argue, throw a tantrum, scream, drown my feelings in food, alcohol, substances, or give her the cold shoulder.  But I also don’t need to tolerate being disrespected.  If she were the type of person who would follow me around and goad me, I would have left the house.  (A significant retreat) But in this case, a simple resignation – realizing I cannot change ANYONE except MYSELF and my reaction to the situation - was the best option open to me.

I can’t change anyone else.

I can’t make any other person do anything I want them to do.

It is not my responsibility to help someone who doesn’t want my help.  (Reminds me of the story of the Boy Scout who helps the old lady across the street while she’s kicking and screaming because she doesn’t want to cross!)

I can choose to be rational, to diffuse my emotion in a healthy way by not getting all wrapped up in it, and to allow my daughter to figure out – or not – how to achieve her objective.  She may or may not apologize – that’s not about me. My first duty is to preserve myself, as much as I love her.  Engaging in an argument would have achieved nothing and would be a waste of my energy.

“Retreat and Resign” as Grand Mistress of the Universe – as the One who Knows All – as the Person in Charge

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One of my favorite sayings at times like this comes from a sales book published in the 1960s( before I was even born!)  I read it when I was about 18, working in sales as an agent for a modelling agency:

“A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.”

Just agree to let go. Return to your own life, your own inner peace, your own serenity. Other people will do as they will. If you engage, you fuel their fire. Let yourself be yourself and allow their drama to slip past you without trying to change What Is.