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Oct. 12th, 2012 at 8:35 AM
The Modern Entomologist
by Mark Isaak
with apologies to Gilbert & Sullivan
I am the very model of a modern entomologist.
I've information useful to a tropical biologist.
I've studied which antennal parts of silverfish are muscular
And know quite well exactly which mosquitoes are crepuscular.
I scan the forest canopy in search of lepidoptera
And burrow beneath rotting logs for certain coleoptera.
I've mapped the complex passageways that termites always scurry in
And studied insect evolution back to the Silurian.
I know the economic consequences of herbivory
And all the different methods used for pesticide delivery.
In short, in matters vital to a tropical biologist,
I am the very model of a modern entomologist.
I watch as ants patrol the tunnels of their nests incessantly;
Some fireflies I have seen conversing bioluminescently.
I'll tell you gruesome stories of Mantodea ferocity
And quote you the statistics of Neuroptera velocity.
And then I've catalogued the major vectors of malaria
And listed all the earwigs in the Indonesian area.
I've analyzed the noises of the cricket and the katydid.
(The ones from Costa Rica made a sound like those from Haiti did.)
I've checked how mayfly populations vary with humidity
And double-checked all E. O. Wilson's theories for validity.
In short, in matters vital to a tropical biologist,
I am the very model of a modern entomologist.
In fact, when I know dragonflies from abdomen to mandible;
When I find aphids, fleas, and lice completely understandable;
When I have skill with killing jars and nets and other gimmickry;
And when I know minutiae of camouflage and mimicry;
When I have very detailed observations of a myriad
Of locusts reproducing in a seventeen year period;
When I know how cockroaches grow from instar to maturity--
My papers (when I write them) won't be destined for obscurity.
Although I've studied insects, and in all their great diversity,
I've yet to get my tenure at a major university,
But still, in matters vital to a tropical biologist,
I am the very model of a modern entomologist.
Comments
I wonder how a Sherlockian version would run?
Re: Sherlockian version: perhaps you could try your hand at it? ;)
I am the very model of a modern criminologist
And proof that magnifying glass and gladstone bag can co-exist.
I spend my days investigating all events nefarious
And spend my nights in Baker Street with pipe and Stradivarius
I'm also quite an expert on tobacco and its origin
I clarify my theories while I pace around with violin
My enemies are numerous, they doubt that I can better them,
And those which are most dangerous are listed under letter "M"
The men who work at Scotland Yard have cases which have not been solved;
They hope that I can tell them all about the criminals involved.
As long as gladstone bag and magnifying glass can co-exist,
I am the very model of a modern criminologist
Verse 2
My clients are impressed when I give details of their history
Explaining how I do it sheds a certain layer of mystery,
Observing , not just seeing, is the key to my success in this
Most others just ignore the many features I find hard to miss.
Although I've worked alone before, I find that there's a better way
A trusty friend, prepared to join me in a rapid getaway
A man who wields a pistol or a stethoscope with equal ease
Who wouldn't want a comrade who had useful talents such as these?
Someone who's impressed with my deductions, whether big or small
A Boswell who's decided it's his duty to record it all.
As long as gladstone bag and magnifying glass can co-exist
I am the very model of a modern criminologist.
Third and final verse
If piqued with curiosity, then buy a copy of the Strand
Examine it quite carefully, I'm certain you will understand
The range of my adventures, but ignore the odd dramatic twist;
The only disadvantage of a scribe who's a romanticist.
There are politicians, comorants, a giant rat, a spectral hound
A lighthouse, a repulsive leech, and vital letters to be found
A woman who has bested me, a death by waterfall I've feigned,
And even a canary which a criminal has fully trained.
Royalty and commoners, all classes in between I've met;
A red-haired man, an engineer and several girls named Violet.
So where a gladstone bag and magnifying glass can co-exist
Resides the very model of a modern criminologist.
Post it! I'm sure you'll get compliments :)
I appreciated the inspiration.
Not entirely sure how useful speed-rhyming-and-scanning is, but it's quite satisfying:-)
Apologies for taking over another of your posts, though:-)
Do you think it is ready to post elsewhere?
And you needn't apologise, it's been great fun!
Looks ready to me...why not?