My Virtual Reading Room

This is from irinka_hema 's other blog, I'd translated it a while back, and have her permission to post. A bit of backstory--she fell seriously ill when she turned 15; she's now in her early 30s and has spent the majority of her time helping others in Ukraine navigate the medical treatment and raise necessary funds for treatment of cancer and other major and chronic illness
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http://daktik.at.ua/dir/zhizn_s/za_chto_i_pochemu_ja/11-1-0-46

Someone who is diagnosed with a serious illness tends to ask Providence, "why me, why this?!" One can be stuck at that point for a long time, pitying oneself, to whom life had been so unfair. Or, one can move on, by changing the phrasing of the question (for example, "for what reason?") or by refusing to ask this question at all.

Over time, I have formulated some questions or statements for myself, and I would like to share them with all of you. The answers one finds, of course, very much depend on one's personality,  worldview, religious convictions, and life experience, and, therefore, it is doubtful that my answers would be perfectly suited to everyone. But perhaps you would at least be able to find a few useful ideas for yourself :)

"Why me, why this?"

I fell ill while I was still a child. I never believed and I do not believe in "punishment for one's sins"--whether for my sins or for the sins of my ancestors.
Quite simply...I don't believe in such things, that's all, "my God" doesn't act in that way, and therefore, that's not an answer that works for me.

Then I rephrased the question into "for what reason?" There was room to speculate here...my illness leads me along such a road, where the experience of the road I'd already walked is priceless for those others who walk along similar roads. Therefore, I managed to find meaning of what was happening to me in statements such as "so that I would be able to help this person" or "so that I would be able to change this personality trait in myself" and so on, and so forth. But during especially difficult periods, sometimes a protest would break through, "well, darn it all, couldn't it happen in a different way? Isn't there anybody else who could fulfill this function, why must it be myself and only myself?!", so it was really a return to the starting point of "why me?", although from a slightly different perspective.

And then I discovered a thing called statistics. So I was amusing myself, calculating--what was the statistical probability of my falling ill in exactly the manner I had, in the form and combination in which it happened. The resulting numbers had an incalculable number of zeroes, and that amused me--there, look how unique I am, one in many billions, who knows when such a "lucky person" would be born next time. And that is where I found my current answer to the question of "why me?"--because of statistics!

Our world lives according to its laws. The laws of physics, biology, genetics, chemistry, statistics... And if, for example, statistically it's one in many billions, but such an individual as I am can appear, then sooner or later such an individual will appear. It is impossible for such a person not to appear, because if it can happen, even if it is one time in billions, then at some time, it will happen. All of us people are a part of this huge statistical lottery. And for each of us personally, the probability of contracting even an incredibly rare disease (not to mention such common ones as cancer or hypertension) is not one in billions, but exactly 50/50--either we get the disease, or we don't. And none of our merits or anything else exclude us from this statistical game in any way. There simply exists a certain store of troubles for the total population of people, and these troubles are simply randomly distributed among these people.  And even some exceedingly rare trouble will come to somebody or other. Simply because it exists. It is statistically probable, and therefore, it will happen.

For me, at this time, to ask, "why me?" is like saying "it would be more fair if someone else fell ill." Statistically, a situation such as mine existed. Therefore, it had to happen to someone sooner or later. If not to me, then to someone else. And, I somehow suspect, this "someone else" would also not be delighted by it and s/he would also be asking, "hey, why me?!" And how am I better than this "someone else", that I would deserve being excluded from this statistical game of roulette? No, of course there are many bad people around, to whom sometimes one really wants to wish a lot of "love and light", but...they too are victims of statistics, it fell to their lot to be foolish/evil/revengeful/greedy, etc. But somehow, the question "hey, why is he like that, and I'm not?" doesn't arise :) So...to each his own :)

I know, after that, a reasonable question arises, "So, is everything meaningless?" I can only answer, "What do you think?" For example, I believe that meaning is what we determine for ourselves. And something that's meaningless for one person can be priceless for another. Is there any meaning in my illness? If I find meaning in it and instill it into my life, then yes, there will be. If I learn something important from my experience (whether for myself or for others, it doesn't matter)--then there will be meaning. If I want to see that what is happening is not happening in vain, then I'll see it. Because the question about meaning is not addressed to the Providence; it's addressed to me.

According to my system of coordinates, there is no great plan and no specific meaning in the fact that it was specifically myself who fell ill and in this specific manner, but in the way that I live my life, in what I do with my life, given any circumstances--that's where the entire meaning is. And that is my choice: to complain, "why me?", to proudly "bear my cross", to deplore the meaninglessness and unfairness of life, or to find meaning and use in being unable to take a deep breath. Mhm, yeah, I'm afraid that here you will say that I have a well-developed imagination and not everyone could manage to find a meaning in such a thing. In my defense, I can only say that it took years of practice to do so.

I am certain that these questions don't have universally correct answers which work for everyone without exception. Your answers might be significantly different from mine. And if they work for you, give you something to hold on to and the chance not to lose your mind from terror--then they are excellent answers! And for you personally, they are the correct ones. Moreover, these answers can change as time goes on. That does not mean they were not correct. For every one of us, at every stage of life, an answer exists. And the goal is not to find the single correct, universal, true-for-all-time answer, but to find the answer which will give you the foundation for inner balance in this specific moment. And then one can amuse oneself in seeking other answers.  If one feels like doing that, of course :)
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Another excellent response to the "why me" question may be found here: http://med-cat.livejournal.com/729141.html