My Virtual Reading Room

Gentlemen! I'm much touched by this reception, much touched!
I can only trust that, by strict attention to duty, I shall enjoy the continuance of those favors which it will ever be my study to deserve!

If I should ever be called upon to act professionally, I'm happy to think that there will be no difficulty in finding plenty of people whose loss will be a distinct gain to the society at large!

As some day it may happen that a victim must be found, I've got a little list — I've got a little list
Of society offenders who might well be underground,
And who never would be missed — who never would be missed!

There's the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs —
All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs —
All children who are up in dates, and floor you with 'em flat —
All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like that —
All third persons who on spoiling tête-á-têtes insist —
They'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed!

(Chorus:) He's got 'em on the list — he's got 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed — they'll none of 'em be missed.

There's the imbeciles on Facebook, taking pictures of their meals,
...fine if I insist,
They go first upon the list,
And the couples out in restaurants, each on their own smartphone--
It's enough to make one moan--why don't they just stay home?!
There's the sycophantic waitresses who think they're rather bright--
Reciting all the specials with their French that's not quite right--
There's hipsters swilling microbrews and crowding round the bar--
Now they're quoting Monty Python songs, ....we are--
And don't forget the cheapskates who always forget to tip--
They'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed!

(Chorus:) He's got 'em on the list — he's got 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed — they'll none of 'em be missed.

There's some Presidential demagogues and narcissistic twits--
Like that aging socialist--I put him on my list!
And that dour femme fatale who'd rather keep her emails mum--
On their subjects she is dumb, though I'd like to read just some!

But I couldn't end this parody without a solemn nod
To that charming, pleasant gentleman who acts like he's a god--
When he utters his profanities, the...all but swoon,
And he wants to banish Muslims to the craters of the Moon!
But this nation can do better than this rich red-hair buffoon--
I'll ban him with my list--"you're fired!" says my list.

(Chorus:) He's got 'em on the list — he's got 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed — they'll none of 'em be missed.