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As an autistic person, the reason I have difficulty with adult non-verbal language is because (neurotypical) adults use non-verbal language to lie and/or to create ambiguity. I have no such difficulty with animals, young children or the developmentally-disabled, who rely much more (or entirely) on non-verbal communication, but do not use it to obscure the true intent of their message.
Dale Carnegie's How to Develop Self-Confidence And Influence People By Public Speaking (https://www.amazon.com/Develop-Self-Confidence-Influence-People-Speaking/dp/0671746073) is still the 'gold standard'. None of his books were written specifically for autistics (nor were Judith Martin's) but they are among the most useful in giving clear and logical directions on 'how to communicate with these earthlings'.
However, they don't address autism-specific issues like stimming. From the viewpoint of the autistic person, stimming is reflexive movement, like blinking or swallowing; from the viewpoint of the neurotypical observer, it's non-verbal 'noise' that screams "I am 'Other'; ignore or discount me." Imagine having to practice giving your speech without blinking or swallowing, in preparation for standing up to address an auditorium full of people who will notice and judge you every time you do.
I am text-based. I don't even watch speeches until I've read the transcript, to avoid all that lying neurotypical non-verbal noise. Most people neither listen carefully nor read carefully, but at least when the words are in actual text, one can go back and conclusively demonstrate what was or was not said. A great many people apparently have no compunction about lying outright, and if cornered, will claim that what they said was not what they meant, so anything not in writing isn't worth the paper it's not written on.
"Words are birds that fly away;
Text is bird bones; it will stay."
Edited 2017-01-11 07:56 pm (UTC)
Yes, Carnegie's books are excellent; and perhaps the reason they don't address autism-specific issues is that they were written before autism awareness? Although they'd been updated since, so it would make sense to incorporate a section on these issues.
I'm text-based myself, and prefer reading a transcript to watching the video, although for a somewhat different reason. And you are quite right about the fact that if something is not in writing, then it becomes "your word against theirs"...
Where is the quote from? It's very apt :)
Carnegie's books were originally written for salesmen, I believe. I read them before 'autism awareness', and one of the reasons they are so useful is because they're nothing like the condescending pap that is so often proffered to the 'identified defective'. Carnegie's books - and Judith Martin's as well - are written for normal people, successful, socially-acceptable people who just need a little extra poise and grace. It's extremely reassuring and validating to autistic people to realize that (contrary to popular opinion) neurotypical people are not just born with social graces, but have to learn them out of books the same as we do.
Sticking a section on autism awareness in there would be like saying "Oh yeah, and for all you abnormal people...". I mean, imagine if the book had a special section about people of color: what kind of advice would it contain, different to the original book, and what sort of stereotypical assumptions would be behind it?
You are quite right; Carnegie's books were targeted to salesmen originally and you are quite right--although I'd met an occasional person who was a natural at these principles, most people do have to learn how; and it is even more true about the material in Judith Martin's books (somewhat offtopic, did you happen to come across her column about a fur coat, and another one about a Betazoid wedding? ;))
True enough re: separate section.
I first read both How To Win Friends And Influence People and Miss Manners' Guide To Excruciatingly Correct Behavior in high school - found them in the library, in the course of my diligent research into 'How To Pass For Human', and wow, they were among the most useful books I ever read. They explained so many things!
For instance: I used to have this terrible time meeting new people, because they'd ask me a question and I'd answer, then they'd ask me another question and I'd answer, then then they'd ask me another question and I'd answer - and by then it would already be clear to me that this was going badly, but I didn't know why. Well, Dale Carnegie explained it: their asking me a question meant I was supposed to ask them a question, and in fact I didn't even have to answer their question, or could answer it with a question if I wanted... it was a whole new world.
LOL, no, srsly, a Betazoid wedding? I didn't see that; now I must go look it up! Judith Martin is the best; my daughter and I both owe her so much.
As to the wedding, Betazed is not named, but I think so, from the description; it's in Miss Manners' Guide for the Turn of the Milennium, which I own--I'll show you the relevant part:
It's in the Introduction section: A Sample of Problems Mrs. Perfect Never Had to Face:
The Nude Wedding
Dear Miss Manners:
Our twenty-six-year-old daughter plans to marry soon, inviting about one hundred guests to her grandmother's (father's side) place, near where we lived when she was growing up. She, her bridegroom, and all the attendants will be nude. The guests will be clothed. They say they got the idea from a television show. We think it is one of the stupidest ideas ever--and she's had some lulus.
[...]
Gentle Reader:
Miss Manners hesitates to give out any prizes for Worst Original Idea, but no, she has not been confronted with this one before. It is her profound wish that she never will be again. [...]
;)
Being Pagan clergy, I had traditional sky-clad hand-fastings both times I married, but I also had weddings in normal wedding-type clothes with my family and friends who don't share that tradition.
*grins* I can't imagine any of my family members agreeing to attend anything involving nudity. They're not prudes, but they are all very modest and reserved - I'm the changeling-child from the Unseemly Court, the only clothing-optional member of the clan.
And I see :)