My Virtual Reading Room

Carolyn weighs in on the 'divine plan' theory of life

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Dear Carolyn:

I'm curious if you believe or think things "happen for a reason" and "God/higher power only gives us what we can handle," or are things just random? I ask because my mom told me some sad news about a relative. I would never be able to cope with that situation. Of course, I have had tough times and disappointments that were painful but eventually was able to get through them.

What do you think about the random life events or "divine plan" events debate?

-- Seeking Perspective on Life

Oh I think it's a complete crapshoot.

Randomness from birth to death, though we get our chance to weigh in by responding to the circumstances we're given.

I also see the maxim you cite, that deities give us only what we can handle, as getting close to what actually happens but missing by a hair.

I think the vast majority of the time, we find a way to handle whatever happens to us, because that's what life is. We wake up to whatever we wake up to and then muddle through it. So I'd write it just like that: We tend to handle whatever the deities hand us.

The other version puts our personal capabilities at the center and therefore is more yay-for-you inspiring, so use that one for the cat poster.

To illustrate, I'll take your example: From the distance of just hearing it from your mom, you regard the sad news of your relative as something you would never be able to cope with. But if it had become your news without warning, part of your life trajectory, then I'm betting heavily on you to have coped with it. Because that's what humans do.

Sometimes they don't, obviously -- some people break under the weight of what their lives become. But most endure and even find ways to feel joy again, and they dare to make new connections even after the severing of an old one causes nearly unbearable pain.

Think of the conditions under which so many humans have lived and now live. Think of the losses we've borne.

Would any survivor of a genocide have thought beforehand, "I'd be able to cope with that situation"?